A story about breaking a lineage, choosing my soul, and rewriting the fate I was born into.
When I was 26 years old, I made a decision that would quietly define the rest of my life.
I ended a pregnancy.
I didn’t know then that this moment would be the first act of liberation in a lineage of women who had never known freedom. I didn’t know it would become the beginning of my spiritual path, my healing work, my awakening, and the mother I would later become.
And I certainly didn’t know that this choice — made from instinct rather than maturity — would keep me from repeating generations of trauma.
But now, decades later, through years of BodyTalk, birth psychology, and somatic healing, I understand something I couldn’t possibly have grasped at 26:
That abortion was the moment I broke my maternal lineage’s oldest pattern.
It was the moment I stepped off the track my family had been running for generations — the track of imprisoned women, unwanted pregnancies, and marriages that consumed them.
I didn’t end a life.
I ended a legacy.
And by doing so,
I saved my own.
The Lineage I Was Born Into
My maternal line carried a very specific trauma blueprint:
Pregnancy = prison
Marriage = obligation
Motherhood = erasure
Children = burden
Freedom = impossible
My grandmother lived a life of entrapment, abuse, and emotional starvation. She died young from uterine cancer — her womb holding more than any human body should.
My mother inherited the same wound. She conceived me resentfully, trapped in a marriage she desperately wanted to escape. I grew in a uterus filled with frustration, not welcome. Later in life she would say, “You added years to my sentence.”
This was my conception atmosphere.
This was my imprint.
This was the template my body carried as truth.
And without disruption, I was destined to repeat it.
My First Marriage
I married young — 22 years old, still mostly a child inside.
My first husband offered:
stability
structure
attention
devotion
and the “right kind” of life
He also wanted to mold me:
refine me
curate me
shape me into an image
He wanted a polished partner who fit neatly into his world.
But I wasn’t that girl.
I was raw, wild, intuitive, embodied —
and in many ways, still unformed.
His comment that haunted me for years was:
“I don’t love you. I love the idea of who you could be.”
The lineage wound appeared again: the real me is not welcome.
And back then, I didn’t know how to choose myself.
The Pregnancy That Changed Everything
When I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t feel fear.
Not panic.
Not dread.
Not even shock.
I felt a quiet ambivalence—a sense of, “This wasn’t the plan… so what does this mean?”
I was married.
I was financially stable.
On the outside, a pregnancy “should” have been welcomed.
And that was part of the complexity: my emotional response didn’t match what anyone would expect.
Underneath the surface of ambivalence, a deeper knowing had already begun to form—something quiet and pre-verbal. I didn’t have words for it then. I didn’t understand lineage patterns or somatic truth or how the body speaks before the mind catches up.
But a part of me already sensed:
This is not the path.
Everything crystallized when the doctor told us the IUD had gone missing inside me. Suddenly, it wasn’t just unexpected timing—it was a medically complicated, potentially unsafe pregnancy.
Removing the IUD could cause miscarriage or infection.
Leaving it where it was could endanger both me and the baby.
Continuing the pregnancy wasn’t a straightforward option.
The medical recommendation was clear:
termination was the safest choice.
And in that moment, something inside me settled.
Not because I didn’t care.
Not because I was detached.
But because the external truth finally aligned with the internal knowing I hadn’t been able to articulate.
There was no panic.
No chaos.
No collapse.
Only a quiet clarity.
Once the decision was made, peace arrived almost instantly—the kind of peace that tells you the choice is right even if you don’t yet understand why.
It wasn’t a decision made from fear.
It was a decision made from truth.
A truth my body understood long before my mind did.
Understanding Alia
I always felt the soul was a girl.
We had chosen the name Alia.
Over the years, through BodyTalk and spirit-baby connection work, I’ve come to understand something profound:
Alia didn’t come to be born.
She came to redirect me.
She came as:
a threshold
a catalyst
a lineage interrupter
a soul who whispered “not this life”
Her presence in my womb was brief, but her impact was enormous.
She pushed me onto a completely different path —
one where I would not repeat the trauma my mother and grandmother lived.
Her legacy is not loss.
Her legacy is liberation.
I know she returned to me.
That she is a part of my youngest son.
She was the reason we all thought he was a girl in the womb.
The Aftermath: My Awakening
Leaving that life behind was the beginning of everything:
I moved abroad.
I began my spiritual practice.
I trained in yoga.
I discovered EFT.
I studied in a Buddhist temple.
I found BodyTalk.
I entered my true path.
My entire identity was born because I walked away from the life I was never meant to live.
Had I stayed:
I would have spiritually collapsed
I would have emotionally died
I would have mothered from resentment
I would have passed on trauma
I would never have found my gifts
I would not be the woman I am today
That version of me — the one who stayed — would have been consumed by the lineage.
I can say that without doubt.
Why It Saved My Life
My abortion was the first moment in my lineage where a woman chose:
self
sovereignty
consciousness
destiny
soul
It was the first moment the pattern cracked open.
The first moment a woman said:
“This ends with me.”
If I had carried that pregnancy:
my spiritual awakening wouldn’t have happened
my healing work wouldn’t exist
my children wouldn’t have the mother they have now
my lineage would have continued unchanged
My path — the one I walk now — began the day I said no.
That “no” was the most sacred yes of my life.
The Spiritual Truth: I Didn’t Lose a Child.
I Rewrote My Lineage.
Alia never left me.
Her soul became:
a guide
a teacher
a companion in my healing
the link between my old life and my true life
She was the soul who came to close one destiny
so that I could step into another.
She was never meant to be born.
She was meant to birth me.
To the Women Who Carry This Story
If you have chosen to end a pregnancy and you carry:
guilt
shame
confusion
self-judgment
quiet grief
I want to offer a truth our culture never speaks:
Sometimes the pregnancy that didn’t continue
saved your life.
Sometimes the soul that didn’t stay
chose another role.
Sometimes your deepest “no”
was your soul’s most powerful “yes.”
Our bodies know.
Our wombs know.
Our lineages know.
Our spirit babies know.
Sometimes the one who didn’t stay
is the one who set you free.